I first heard about this book at a conference that Dr. Purvis spoke at in Nashville, TN. I was blown away by the information she had to offer as a therapist and knew that I needed to read more. I bought the book and had it read within two weeks.
The Connected Child is a great, practical resource for foster/adoptive parents. Topics range from dealing with defiant behaviors, disarming their fear response, teaching life values, re-dos, nurturing activities and being proactive. One of the major tenants of Drs. Purvis and Cross’ work is the idea that you need to set your child up for success. It is so important that we set the bar at a place that the child can succeed. If we continually put them in places where they are likely to fail then we will only perpetuating their negative feelings about the self and the world.
What did you find helpful about this book:
The most helpful items in the book for me, as a therapist, were the applicable and practical suggestions they make. For example, they write often about being as proactive and preventative as possible. The more often a child can experience the right way to do something, the more likely they are to choose the right often in the future. Here is an example below:
“Challenging situations such a visit to the supermarket will go a lot easier with planning and preparation. As the old saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. By anticipating problems and rehearsing solutions with your child, you can reduce the unpleasant surprises. This technique works for a variety of situations – from supermarket visits and bedtimes to social situations. By explaining guidelines for your child ahead of time and practicing ‘scripts’ together for the potentially problematic scene, you can make many situations go more smoothly.”
Once a foster/adoptive parent has done this and begins to help prepare the child for challenging situations, they begin to see improvements. I love that I can recommend this book to foster/adoptive parents and know that there are interventions they can use the very next day!
What do clients find most helpful about this book:
Interestingly, most of my clients find the second and third chapters to be the most helpful. Drs., Cross and Purvis believe it is vital that we view children from hard places through the lens of their past. The goal is not to feel sorry for them or to make us sad all the time, but rather to help us have a true perspective on why they behave the way they do. It often helps foster/adoptive parents work at not taking the behavior so personally.
In a section titled, Seeing Beyond Misbehaviors, the authors say:
“Children who act out may appear strong but are surprisingly fragile inside. When their externalized misbehaviors are met with an assault of adult force, they come to believe that no one understands them or cares about their needs. This simply motivates further acting out…Behavior provides clues to the history of the child – his paid, his far, his needs. Although we address misbehavior directly and quickly, we also must address it sensitively and responsively as a clue to the deepest need of the child.”
If a parent learns nothing else from this book other than learning how to see their child with compassion, they will still make great strides and gains in their relationship with that child. Often times, however, learning this compassion is the gateway for making great changes and motivating parents to meet their child where they are emotionally and behaviorally.
- “Deep down, these children want desperately to connect and succeed but don’t understand how. As parents, it’s our job to show them.” – page 6
- “Shift your mind-set so that you see misbehaviors not as a head-ache but as an opportunity to teach a child new skills.” – page 94
- “This is an investment model of parenting; the foundation you establish while the child is young will reap rewards as he or she matures.” – page 132
- “The analogy that comes to mind is that you and your child are being asked to team up and perform an unfamiliar dance together. Oth partners are struggling to observe, get coordinated and learn the new steps. This is a shared process that, with practice, will soon seem effortless.” – page 234
*This column is not intended to substitute for an actual session with a licensed counselor.
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